Pineapple Buttermilk Salad

It’s been a full week, y’all. I’ve got a teenager with a learner’s permit, I made my famous chocolate chip cookies & my grandmother’s fluffy frosting AND made a good dent in some construction projects we have going on in the house. But the most exciting thing was that Jello was on sale!

Yes, I bring to you another ‘interesting’ recipe from the days of yesteryear. It never fails to make me laugh that these – and there are a lot of them – are called SALADS. When I think of a salad I usually think of something that’s good for me. Something I would choose to eat instead of something fatty and delicious. There might be a few things in this recipe that could be considered ‘good for you’ – but not when mixed with all the rest of this crap.

Let’s Cook!

  • 2 T Sugar
  • 1 pkg Lemon Jello & 1 pkg Lime Jello
  • 2 cups buttermilk
  • 1 cup chopped pecans
  • 8 oz Cool Whip
  • 20 oz Crush Pineapple – undrained

After choosing to go forward with this, I realized I didn’t have cool whip. In an effort to keep the recipe as close to the original I researched how to make home made cool whip. I know I can whip up some basic whipped cream no problem, but if there was a specific reason for the cool whip – I didn’t want to screw up what I was sure was going to be a fine fine dish.

I ended up using this home made Cool Whip recipe, and it turned out great. Tastes JUST like the real thing. And here is where I texted my sister who has a major addiction to Cool Whip. Figured if she could whip it up herself, I could save her a trip to the store….Or I’m just feeding into her addiction.

The recipe simply says to combine the pineapple and sugar and boil for an undetermined amount of time. Once done, remove from the heat and add both the jellos and leave to cool. Which took FOREVER! As much as I love to bake – you would think I would have more patience.

I gave up on letting it cool in the pan, and transferred to a bowl (I hate doing more dishes) and it cooled fast enough. Add the buttermilk, the nuts and then fold in the cool whip. Pour the whole gross looking thing into a casserole dish and set in the fridge to cool.


Final Results

As much as I was convinced that this was going to be gross – because seriously, look at it- it wasn’t bad. It’s sweet for sure, but with an underlining sour from the jello and buttermilk.

However, after about 5 or 6 bites…my mouth started to get a little ‘fuzzy’. You know that feeling when you’ve eaten too many starburst and you just KNOW you are going to regret it later. That was sort of the feeling I started to get.

Also…can we just wrap out heads around how MUCH this looks like that nasty ass Lime Crab Jello monstrosity?

So…if you like sweet and tangy – and have a shortage of starburst in the house – this is the “salad” for you!

Lemon Delight

There is nothing that scares my family more than Jello. After the Lime Crab Mold debacle of 2019, they fear the Jello. Intense fear. I spend most evenings going through all the recipes that my Mom gave me and picking the ones that sound interesting – and I thought that just maybe this one would be okay…even if it has Jello.

Full disclosure at the beginning at this post. I did this wrong. Like, horribly wrong. I’ve always tried to interpret the recipes written in front of me instead of doing any sort of research first. I don’t want to know what it’s supposed to look like or how it’s supposed to be made. I want to see if I can follow the recipe as written. Now that I’ve looked online I clearly see that this was supposed to be Jello PUDDING. Not Jello gelatin. Rereading the recipe, it’s SO clear now.

However, even if I had replaced the gelatin for pudding – this shit still wasn’t going to ‘thicken’ over a double boiler. What exactly does “thick” mean? Thick like a pastry cream – or just thicker than water? I cooked this over a double boiler for 25 minutes and there was little to no change. It was thicker than water – so I went with that.

Next: “…then add the egg whites beaten stiff with the rest of the sugar”. Do I beat the egg whites with the sugar? Or do I beat the eggs and then add that and the sugar separately? When I add it, am I suppose to mix it? Or am I suppose to just layer it on top? I have so many questions!!

What made the most sense to me was to beat the sugar in with the eggs whites and make a basic meringue and mixed the whole thing together.

My last major mistake was an inaccurate count of graham crackers. I counted 13 graham crackers right out of the box. But since I’m clearly an idiot I took 13 full sheets of crackers. Each of those damn crackers is actually 2. Or maybe four? I doubled, or maybe even quadrupled, the cracker ratio.

Here’s a lesson for today. If something doesn’t feel right – it probably isn’t. I kept muttering to myself the entire time I was doing this, “This doesn’t feel right?”. Turns out I was correct. Trust your gut, girl!

In the end – it’s actually tastes good. It’s creamy, tart & sweet. But I can assure you that this isn’t what it’s supposed to look like. The final product looks like a piece of fried chicken on top of pudding. The graham cracker ratio is SO off it doesn’t hold together and sort of flakes off. There is graham cracker shrapnel all over my kitchen.

My husband actually likes it and plans on eating some of it – so not a total waste of food….But I’m still going to count this as a failure.

Sad Cake

I almost missed this recipe all together. It’s such a short little blurb in the middle of the page that I scanned right over it. When I finally did see it I felt like when I see puppies or babies on line. NO! Don’t be sad, cake! Why are you so sad? Cakes are supposed to be happy, why are you doing this?

Seriously, why is this cake sad? Why is it called that? It’s simple as hell to put together, so that couldn’t possibly be the reason. Is it sad because it was created during a hard time in life – is it like a depression cake? Was the creator actually unhappy? All questions I’m willing to get to the bottom of.

I have never seen a baking recipe that called for Bisquick. Also, note the ENTIRE box of brown sugar. Maybe the cake is sad because it’s causing weight gain, high blood sugar and an increased risk of heart disease! But who the hell am I to talk, my sugar cookie recipe calls for 3 cups of sugar and 3 sticks of butter! And let’s not talk about how quickly I can decimate a pint of Haagen Dazs ice cream.

Feeling particularly lazy this day, I busted out the Kitchen Aid for this. Unnecessary for sure – I could have easily done this by hand. There really is nothing to it – assuming you’ve got Bisquick on hand. Also, I figured out why it’s called Sad Cake.

This thing is butt ugly when it comes out of the oven. The top of the cake sort of sinks into itself. Also, as any baker would do, I put a long tooth pick in to see if it was done and poked a big hole in the top. The entire top of this cake is crisp – like CRISP. It’s really quite odd. If a regular cake came out like this it would be a huge failure.

This thing is NOT a cake. It’s straight up Blondie. It’s gooey in the middle and crisp on the outside, and despite it’s sort of brown and boring appearance, it’s actually quite good! I think you could easily add white chocolate chips, or switch out the pecans for walnuts. A lot could be done with this I think. Not much to look at – and a weird crisp shell on top – but I recommend giving it a try!

Molded Crab Meat

The idea of this website was born sitting around my folks kitchen table, drinking wine and going through the piles of old recipes that have been handed down to her over the years. We all agreed the first post should be Grand mommy’s Apple Crisp; but where to go from there was up in the air. The possibilities were endless. Every night I would flip through the pages and try to figure out what to do next – and it just kept bringing me back to this one.

No sane person would read this and think “Yum”! No sane person would even make it!? Why would you? I am apparently, not sane. There’s a lot to unpack here. Why would anyone make this? Why would anyone EAT this? What exactly does lime jello bring to the party? HOW do I update this and make it cool – and you know – edible?

Oddly enough, with the exception of the crab meat, I actually had all of these thing on hand. With the small amount of crab needed – I could justify spending the money and make crab cakes for dinner.

If I’m honest, this recipe couldn’t be easier. It’s a small amount of chopping, but mostly a dump and wait sort of thing.

With Halloween approaching – I would imagine this would make an excellent Halloween Mystery Feel Box. Albeit a fairly expensive one.

I have never had so much fun making something before. Every single ingredient had us laughing and asking “why?!!?!?” What is this supposed to taste like when it’s done?!?!

Death. That’s what it tastes like.

This is, without a doubt, the worst thing I have ever put in my mouth. Ever. Up until I made this, I thought the worst thing that happened in my house was my husband putting mayonnaise on his macaroni and cheese.

My daughter is very concerned about the idea of updating this – if it’s possible. I’ve apparently traumatized both of them for life because of this lime green monstrosity. One of the good things to come of this is that I now have a very strong scare tactic if I want something done. “Clean your room or you’re getting Lime Jello Crab for dinner!”

Here’s the thing that’s going to keep me up at night though:

People actually ATE this. On purpose. Assuming I did it correctly, how in the bloody hell am I going to update this.

I usually like to end these posts with some ideas of what I might try – or little tweaks in the cooking process. I’m speechless. I’ve got nothing.

Here’s a pretty picture of Lime Molded Crab. You are very welcome.