Pineapple Buttermilk Salad

It’s been a full week, y’all. I’ve got a teenager with a learner’s permit, I made my famous chocolate chip cookies & my grandmother’s fluffy frosting AND made a good dent in some construction projects we have going on in the house. But the most exciting thing was that Jello was on sale!

Yes, I bring to you another ‘interesting’ recipe from the days of yesteryear. It never fails to make me laugh that these – and there are a lot of them – are called SALADS. When I think of a salad I usually think of something that’s good for me. Something I would choose to eat instead of something fatty and delicious. There might be a few things in this recipe that could be considered ‘good for you’ – but not when mixed with all the rest of this crap.

Let’s Cook!

  • 2 T Sugar
  • 1 pkg Lemon Jello & 1 pkg Lime Jello
  • 2 cups buttermilk
  • 1 cup chopped pecans
  • 8 oz Cool Whip
  • 20 oz Crush Pineapple – undrained

After choosing to go forward with this, I realized I didn’t have cool whip. In an effort to keep the recipe as close to the original I researched how to make home made cool whip. I know I can whip up some basic whipped cream no problem, but if there was a specific reason for the cool whip – I didn’t want to screw up what I was sure was going to be a fine fine dish.

I ended up using this home made Cool Whip recipe, and it turned out great. Tastes JUST like the real thing. And here is where I texted my sister who has a major addiction to Cool Whip. Figured if she could whip it up herself, I could save her a trip to the store….Or I’m just feeding into her addiction.

The recipe simply says to combine the pineapple and sugar and boil for an undetermined amount of time. Once done, remove from the heat and add both the jellos and leave to cool. Which took FOREVER! As much as I love to bake – you would think I would have more patience.

I gave up on letting it cool in the pan, and transferred to a bowl (I hate doing more dishes) and it cooled fast enough. Add the buttermilk, the nuts and then fold in the cool whip. Pour the whole gross looking thing into a casserole dish and set in the fridge to cool.


Final Results

As much as I was convinced that this was going to be gross – because seriously, look at it- it wasn’t bad. It’s sweet for sure, but with an underlining sour from the jello and buttermilk.

However, after about 5 or 6 bites…my mouth started to get a little ‘fuzzy’. You know that feeling when you’ve eaten too many starburst and you just KNOW you are going to regret it later. That was sort of the feeling I started to get.

Also…can we just wrap out heads around how MUCH this looks like that nasty ass Lime Crab Jello monstrosity?

So…if you like sweet and tangy – and have a shortage of starburst in the house – this is the “salad” for you!

Mystery Salad

Someone stop me. I can’t stop myself from doing these. Every time I see one of these jello recipes I HAVE to do it. I need to know what it looks like! What does it taste like? WHY did people EAT THIS!?!

Why do I have raspberry jello and a can of stewed tomatoes in my pantry?

Even though this is an extremely short recipe – there is so much to unpack here.

Just in case you can’t see or read that recipe…Let me make sure you get the full picture.

  • 1 box of Raspberry JELLO
  • 1 #1 can of STEWED TOMATOES
  • Tabasco Sauce
  • Hot Water

Raspberry Jello and Stewed Tomatoes! Raspberry Jello and Stewed Tomatoes! What in the ACTUAL? Who in the name of God thought to put these two things together?!?! Also, make sure it’s stewed tomatoes with onions, celery and stuff. Not worth the calories if it isn’t!

What’s a #1 can? Google to the rescue! Turns out a #1 is just 11 ounces. My can of stewed tomatoes was 14.5 ounces. Those extra three ounces would just have ruined the whole thing, I’m sure.

Dissolve the jello in hot water. Break the tomatoes in small pieces and add to the gelatin with the Tabasco. Because…yea….big chunks of tomato would bring this whole thing crumbing down. Pour the jello / tomato / Tabasco stuff into a lightly oiled mold (glass bowl) and leave to set in the fridge.

Finally, my favorite part was sour cream with a little sugar, salt and horseradish…to taste. I have no idea what this is supposed to taste like! As if I’m going to have a bite and think “I don’t know, a bit more sugar would really make this all come together”.

End Result

Here it is. Mystery Salad. It is, truly, a mystery.
It wasn’t…..disgusting. Shockingly. I would never make this again, nor would I ever intentionally order it. But if I was at a fancy dinner party and someone put this in front of me, I could get it down and still remain polite to the host. Because I’m SURE this is what the upper echelon of society is serving at fancy dinner parties these days.

The sauce, however, was gross and superfluous. And yes, of course I piped the sauce to make it pretty. Anything worth doing y’all.

My mother suggested that maybe a “crunch” factor was needed. Yep – that’s all that was missing … a wheat thin.

For more truly gross jello molds check out: Molded Crab Meat!

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Lemon Delight

There is nothing that scares my family more than Jello. After the Lime Crab Mold debacle of 2019, they fear the Jello. Intense fear. I spend most evenings going through all the recipes that my Mom gave me and picking the ones that sound interesting – and I thought that just maybe this one would be okay…even if it has Jello.

Full disclosure at the beginning at this post. I did this wrong. Like, horribly wrong. I’ve always tried to interpret the recipes written in front of me instead of doing any sort of research first. I don’t want to know what it’s supposed to look like or how it’s supposed to be made. I want to see if I can follow the recipe as written. Now that I’ve looked online I clearly see that this was supposed to be Jello PUDDING. Not Jello gelatin. Rereading the recipe, it’s SO clear now.

However, even if I had replaced the gelatin for pudding – this shit still wasn’t going to ‘thicken’ over a double boiler. What exactly does “thick” mean? Thick like a pastry cream – or just thicker than water? I cooked this over a double boiler for 25 minutes and there was little to no change. It was thicker than water – so I went with that.

Next: “…then add the egg whites beaten stiff with the rest of the sugar”. Do I beat the egg whites with the sugar? Or do I beat the eggs and then add that and the sugar separately? When I add it, am I suppose to mix it? Or am I suppose to just layer it on top? I have so many questions!!

What made the most sense to me was to beat the sugar in with the eggs whites and make a basic meringue and mixed the whole thing together.

My last major mistake was an inaccurate count of graham crackers. I counted 13 graham crackers right out of the box. But since I’m clearly an idiot I took 13 full sheets of crackers. Each of those damn crackers is actually 2. Or maybe four? I doubled, or maybe even quadrupled, the cracker ratio.

Here’s a lesson for today. If something doesn’t feel right – it probably isn’t. I kept muttering to myself the entire time I was doing this, “This doesn’t feel right?”. Turns out I was correct. Trust your gut, girl!

In the end – it’s actually tastes good. It’s creamy, tart & sweet. But I can assure you that this isn’t what it’s supposed to look like. The final product looks like a piece of fried chicken on top of pudding. The graham cracker ratio is SO off it doesn’t hold together and sort of flakes off. There is graham cracker shrapnel all over my kitchen.

My husband actually likes it and plans on eating some of it – so not a total waste of food….But I’m still going to count this as a failure.

Wine & Roses Salad

I was about halfway through prepping this recipe when I realized that my sweet, small Grandmother was a legit bad ass. This is the OG Jello Shot. I certainly can’t even imagine the life that my Grandmother had. Her husband was away – often off fighting a war – and she was left with raising babies and keeping a home all by herself. I’ve got Alexa, 7-11’s, grocery delivery and I still need a glass of wine every night. I’ve been told that she used to have ‘ironing’ parties. They would bring their laundry and boards to have some company. I am in love with the idea of them essentially doing jello shots and laundry.

I’m also a big fan of the fact that this is under the ‘salad’ section of this cookbook. I’m going to bring this to work and simply tell people I’m having a salad for lunch…and then fall asleep at my desk.

This recipe took a bit of planning as I didn’t have everything I needed. Seriously, who has PORT in their cupboard? I actually had a hard time finding it the wine section of the grocery store and realized I was having a hard time because there was ONE bottle available. I’m guessing Port isn’t flying off the shelf.

Also, #2 can. That one took me for a little loop as well. I didn’t realize that the cans we buy all have a size rating. The ones we typically buy are #1, 10 to 12 ounces. A #2 can is 20 ounces, and because you didn’t ask, a #3 can is 51 ounces. Don’t say I never taught you anything.

Final Thoughts:

100% impossible to make this attractive on a plate. It’s jello with bits in it. It sort of just…plops there. If I had pre-planned I would have tried to make them in smaller molds, or maybe lined the bowl with saran wrap so I could un-mold the whole thing.

It tastes fine though, if you like cranberries, pineapple and pecans. Which my husband doesn’t. Also, gave my daughter a big bite to try before I realized I was contributing to the delinquency of minors. She didn’t like it either though.